Wishing and hoping 

I applied for a really amazing show. It was a long shot in my eyes, because I still don’t place myself on the same level as other artists out there. I follow their pages and watch them on their climb to fame, and I’m in awe like a little kid falling in love with their favourite superhero. I want to be like them. I try to do the things they do. I try to match the quality they offer, and break out of my she’ll to let my creative side run free, but I usually hesitate far too long. I freak myself out by saying – nope, you’re not that good. They’ve got more money into their art, they’ve got more supplies and skills and time and talent. 

But more so it’s because Rejection sucks. 

And for that reason, rather than climbing to that next step, gaining one more level of awesomeness, I tell myself to just sit right here. You’re safer here where you are; Where only a few people know you. Just sit. Good doggy. 

But this time, it’s different. I feel better about these new painted monsters. I’m actually liking what I do. I think I’ve finally created the image I’ve seen in my head for so long. I haven’t reached my full potential with them… But I’ve finally taken that step and raised myself to another level. 

And I really want to be accepted into this big show. Today is the day they email those who were accepted. No time of day was indicated,  so I shouldn’t be panicking yet. But fear of rejection is like having a small leak in your balloon – slowly loosing altitude, shrinking and shrivelling and shrinking, and losing all hope. Today  I woke at 730am… and checked my email.  Then again at 10am. And just now again. But alas, nothing. 

My balloon is shrinking. And no matter how much I try to pump it back up, and motivate myself to continue on the path, it’s not working right now. 

Just putting it out there – world wide web – cross your fingers and let them think I’m kinda awesome. One more step. One more level. Please.